i hated going there

I hated going there because they simply didn’t care. I hated going there because I now realize it’s better to have a pencil in your hand than a cigarette. I hated going there because of the trackmarks and long sleeve secrets. In the end, I guess, it was something that required itself to be beat out of me, forcefully. Something that had to be knocked out of that naïve, thick head of mine. And it came out.
Some said these are your typical teenage problems, Mr. and Mrs. Pellegrini, he’s having a hard time but many kids go through this, and he’s not alone. Some painted me the village freak, and here take these pills they’ll get rid of the anger, the hopelessness, the happiness, the Drew. In the end I’m not sure which approach I preferred, but I guess it really didn’t matter.
Summer wasn’t that bad at first. Close buddies, beer, girls, the rope swing, the late night drives. Anyone’s ideal summer, but the thoughts were still there. They grew on me, which facilitated a lifestyle change. Or did the lifestyle bring on the thoughts? Fuck it, we’ll never know, but things grew dark. Like, wicked dark.
I hated going there because soon enough I felt like I should upgrade to the next best thing. I hated going there because sometimes money isn’t that hard to make.
Like I said, beat out of me. And it was, too. Loss after loss after loss and Dad starting staying in when he could and Mom started buying packs again. That’s what killed me, the lines on her face, the way her voice would plummet down down down after yet another bit of bad news, those late night phone calls. Dad’s optimism about the situation drove the stake deeper.
Dark, dark days. My room became a smoked-out prison ruled by aimlessness with a healthy dose of pleaseletthisendplease pumping through the vents. Countless, countless times. Like it was part of me.
But then, just like that, I guess I learned to control myself a little better. To say no dude, fuck that. I learned alot myself and the people around me. I learned how to make the decision I really know is right, at least some of the time. ‘Cause something is better than nothing. And nothing was what I had.